January 6 - Another Monument

January 6 - Elyse has now been gone the same amount of time that she was with us. This is a difficult monument in the entire process.  In my eyes it's symbolic of the fact that time just keeps passing and that my memories of my little girl just become more and more distant.  Of course we do everything possible to keep those memories close, but time does indeed keep ticking away.

My beautiful wife wrote the most painful, honest and straight-forward account on her blog yesterday.  She really captured the heart of where we are in this entire process.  

Here are a couple more thoughts from me...

1. This stinks! - There's no way around it.  This is the hardest, ugliest, most painful experience I've ever gone through.  No amount of comfort, encouragement, books, videos, sermons, etc. can remove the pain.
2. God did not promise me an easy life! - The more I study scripture and the more I've experienced life this past year, the more I've learned the simple truth that LIFE IS HARD and TRIALS WILL COME!  We're called to endure, persevere, and to never give up.
3. The consequences of giving up are much worse than the pain of endurance.  Giving up would be the most selfish thing I could ever do.  It would mean withdrawing from life and becoming a selfish jerk.  I have the most amazing wife and son whom I've been called to love and care for.  God has me in the position of husband and father to care for them.  I will not give up on God and I will not give up on them!
4. God has met me in the pain! - No doubt.  Read back in my blog to the Spring and those stories of how God has faithfully reminded me of His presence continue to this day.
5. There IS hope for the future. - In the process of not giving up I'm learning to know that as time passes, signs of God's redemption emerge. They're small at times, but they are there, and provide hope.
6. I can't wait for heaven. - I've never longed for heaven as much as I do now.  It truly is a blessed hope that allows me to endure. I can't wait for that day where I get to meet my Savior and be reunited with my little girl. Maybe she'll show me around a bit. How will she be different? How will she be the same? So many questions answered in that ultimate day of redemption!
7. God continues to use Elyse's life and death to draw people to Him. - I've taken just about every opportunity to share with groups the goodness, faithfulness and sovereignty of our Lord through this entire process.  In March, a group of students in the Joshua Wilderness Institute.  In April, a group of about 50 youth pastors.  In May, our Hume Staff in a Staff Chapel service. In October to Missionary Kids in Papua New Guinea.  And finally this past November, I got to speak to several hundred high school and junior high students at a Christian school. Every time I've spoken, it's been a privilege to share the truth of God's love in the midst of living in a painful world.

There's so much more I could share, but I'll save it for another time.  Suffice it to say that we continue to value the prayers of so many friends, and so many others that we've never even met. The Family of God has been exceptional through this entire process and we are eternally grateful. No matter what, HE IS ALWAYS GOOD!

The Holidays are Upon Us

As Christmas approaches, so many have been super sensitive with us to the fact that this time of the year is just plain difficult. A few weeks ago we went to the Hume Family Thanksgiving Dinner. To state it simply, it was miserable. So many families, kids running around, just happy as can be.  And we were left with memories of being in that spot a year ago, holding Elyse and watching Peter run around and play with the other kids. Memories of the incredible joy that comes with the holiday season.

As we are in the midst of this year's holidays, it's a different kind of joy. Not a joy based on our circumstances, but a joy because of who Christ is and the grace and redemption that only He can bring. I don't know that I've ever been more dependent on Him than I am right now. I've always talked of dependence, but this year I'm living it out.  I desperately need Him.

Over the next 4 months, I'm asking those of you who have been faithfully praying for us to please consider the following dates and to continue to lift up our family.

• The 15th of each month.  December will be 10 months since Elyse left us and it almost seems like yesterday. Time takes away the intensity of the pain, but the pain remains nonetheless.
• December 25 - We have the most wonderful memories of Elyse's first Christmas last year and the wonder that was in her eyes the whole day. It's painful to know that day's coming and that we don't get to see it in person this year, or for any future year while we're on this earth.
• The 27th of each month - She'd be 21 months old in December. We try to imagine what stage she'd be in, remembering how fun each of those stages was with Peter.)
• January 6 - She will have been away from us the same amount of time she was with us... a painful mark to hit, but one that reminds us that this is indeed permanent.
• February 15 - One year since she left us.
• March 27 - Her 2nd Birthday

We know that so many have been faithful to carry us to the Lord, much as the paralytic's friends brought him to Jesus to be healed.  We're confident that the healing and redemption will come someday.  While maybe not on this earth, we know it will come.

5 Months of Silence

It's been a quiet 5 months on this blog, not to imply that nothing's happening in the Carey Family, but to say that I've been having a tough time forming words to truly express my heart.


The big question... How are Cliff, April and Peter doing?  The short answer... okay! The long answer... this is a long, hard and winding road, filled with a lot of pot holes, and the occasional stretches of solid pavement.


We've adapted and come to accept our lives in this "new normal." It doesn't mean we like it, but we've accepted it. It's our cross to bear and one that we carry only with the strength and love of our Lord Jesus. We depend on Him for everything and are learning to thank Him for the most simple things, for the fact that He gives us shelter, food, family, friends, and the grace to endure through the most challenging times.  


In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul laments the thorn in his flesh and his continual pleading with the Lord to take it away. Three times he prayed. (300 times I've prayed.)  Yet Paul was willing to accept God's answer, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong.  I've studied and taught this passage for over 13 years and it's never been so personal as it is today. I've begged God to take this pain away over and over, yet He continually returns with His answer, "Cliff, my grace is sufficient for you."


A week ago I was in Papua New Guinea, having returned there for the fourth time with Hume to run camps for Missionary Kids. (See the pictures.) Several months ago the leader of the trip asked me to be the main speaker for the two camps. I accepted the invitation, scared more than I've ever been by a speaking engagement. First off, I haven't spoken to a group of teens in years. Second, what do I have to offer? Do I share our story of pain and grief? Will high school students even care? Will it impact them?


The message we took them was 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 - For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. It was through the grace of God that I was able to share the power of living our lives not for ourselves, but for our Lord Jesus Christ, and that it was only through dying to self that we could truly live for God. In that is also a message of brokenness that leads to an unmistakable dependence on our Lord.


On our final night in PNG, one of the high school students shared with me the following, "I know you were nervous about sharing the story of your daughter's death, and whether it would mean anything to us; but you need to know that it seriously affected me. I was in tears. Your story impacted my life."


All I can do is praise God and thank Him. His power is indeed made perfect through our weakness.

"Glory Baby" by Watermark

I first heard this song at a Watermark concert in Bakersfield probably 12 years ago. I remember her telling the story behind it and being moved at how she could express the words so clearly.  I've probably heard the song a hundred times since; but it's sure taken on a new and personal meaning since.

Glory Baby

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe 
Until we're home with you Until we're home with you

CHORUS
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would

CHORUS
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
BRIDGE
I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies 
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home 
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

CHORUS
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do